The Runaway Cart

A satire in four acts.

By Feign

Cast

Pegs: A Cordorian Noble

Mushly: A Cordorian Noble

Jockolyn the Messenger Hin girl

Act 1

(The curtain raises. Pegs sits in his seat reading the Ordor Times. To his right, the King rots in his throne. Enter Mushly.)

Mushy: Morning Pegs

Pegs: Oh, Mushly. You won't believe the latest nonsense the rabble has cooked up. They're saying the King is near death and that a cabal of nobles is running the city from the shadows.

Mushy: How can this be a surprise to you of all people, Pegs? The King is literally an animated corpse sat not five feet from you.

Pegs: "I can't say I cared to notice. But if that's true then this bit about a shadow cabal-"

Mushy: That's us.

Pegs: "I knew that part sounded familiar! I really should read the paper more often. I wonder what they'll write about next?"

Mushy: "Probably something about the new trend of rope collars among reporters."

Jockolyn the Messenger Hin: "M'lords, the treasury says they've not enough coin to fund another seven banquets this month! The city is almost bankrupt." (The hin hands Pegs a message before dashing away.)

Pegs: "Well that won't do. It says here they only have enough coin in the coffers to fund another four."

Mushy: "Four? We might as well sit at the bottom of a well sucking marrow out of our own broken bones if that's our alternative."

Pegs: "What if we paid them in lashings? I find that always works with the castle staff. Not one of them has asked for a raise in years."

Mushly: "Alas Pegs, while that will work for the common folk, what will we pay ourselves with? No, I'm afraid there's only one solution. Somebody send for another hin, we're raising taxes!"

End Act 1

Act 2

Scene: The Throne Room. The Ceiling has begun to leak.

Pegs: "Well, the good news is that we've quashed all the rioters."

Mushy: "Indeed, who would of thought all this could have stemmed from a minor increase in taxation?"

Pegs: "I'm as surprised as you are. Frankly, I'm amazed the peasantry were even able to count to a thousand and five."

Jockolyn the Messenger Hin: "M'lords, with nobody to look over the farmlands they've all caught fire!"

Mushly: "Well this won't do. We need to quench those flames and fast or we won't have any pineapples for the banquet!"

Pegs: "Indubitably."

Mushly: "We should order some of the elites to grab buckets."

Pegs: "They're too busy imprisoning all of the rioters."

Mushly: "Blast, then who will put out the fires?"

Pegs: "What if we behead all of the rioters and use their blood to quench the flames?"

Mushly: "Why Pegs, it would take a thousand executions just to gather remotely enough blood!"

Pegs: ...

Mushly: "You're right, that would solve the overcrowding in the dungeons as well. Genius."

Pegs: "Hin girl, I think we have a solution..."

Act 3

(Pegs stares out a window while Mushly sits brooding. Horded supplies litter the room.)

Pegs: "Well, that's another guard lost to the wraiths. Such a shame. How much do I owe you now?"

Mushly: "Did he at least reach the temple doors this time?"

Pegs: (Pegs peers back out the window). "Some of him. A quarter, maybe?"

Mushly: "Call it two hundred coins then. I'm hardly a greedy man." (Pegs tosses Mushly a purse of coins.) "I really don't know why they all had to return as vengeful spirits. What divine law did we defy by executing them? They were criminals!"

Pegs: "Well some of them-"

Mushly: "Or associates of criminals! Every last one was either a criminal or a known associate of a criminal."

Pegs: "Even the children?"

Mushly: "Especially the children. If they were so honest and upstanding, what were they doing loitering in cells full of hardened criminals. I mean, if they were any more suspicious I might have mistaken them for gnomes."

Pegs: "Well, at least the pineapples are growing strong. Just a shame the spirits kill anybody we send out to harvest them."

Jockolyn The Mesenger Hin: "M'lords, the clergy is demanding to see the King, they say he's to blame for the Wraith Blight and must atone."

Pegs: "The who?"

[The King Groans in the background].

Pegs: "Oh, you're still here?"

Mushly: "This won't do, we can't have the clergy traipsing in here and exorcising our noble King."

Pegs: "Shouldn't he be held accountable for his-"

Mushly: "Our."

Pegs: "Our actions?"

Mushly: "Normally I might agree but if they discover him in this state they might start asking questions. Worse, they might install a Regent! Then where would we be?"

Pegs: "Hanging outside the city gates by our necks?"

Mushly: "Indubitably."

Pegs: "Well then, why not order the elites to toss them out the front gate?"

Mushly: "Impossible, the gates have been sealed and sanctified to hold our comeuppance at bay. If we open them we're inviting an undead tide of disaster to be our dinnerguests."

Pegs: "Well, when life closes a door it opens a window, right?"

Mushly: "Pegs, I might kiss you later. Hin girl, inform the clergy that the king will see them in the grant tower. Oh, and when you get there, do be a good lass and open all the windows. I'm sure they could all do with some fresh air."

Act 4

(It is the final days of the succession wars that took hold of Ordor in the wake of the King's death. The throne room is in ruins, fire smolders in one corner while water drips down from the other. The king is no longer on his throne, replaced by a statue.)

Mushly: "You know, I really think we've settled on a winner with this successor."

Pegs: "You said that about the first twelve."

Mushly: "Twelve? By my count it's only been eleven."

Mushly: "Nephew? That can't be right. The king never had any nephews."

Pegs: "That was the problem. It was the castle cat."

Mushly: "Oh, Sir Meowsalot! How could I have forgotten? A shame what happened to him. Who would have thought there were so many ways to skin a cat?"

Pegs: "Nobody, that's who."

Mushly: "Well, those false starts aside, our new candidate is the perfect successor. Hardy, indefatigable, patient-"

Pegs: "Carved out of actual granite in the shape of a smiling gnome."

Mushly: "Well, nobody's perfect."

Pegs: "You don't think the city will put up a fight like they did with the others?"

Mushly: "Put up a fight? Who's left to challenge us? The peasantry? Exsanguinated. The clergy? Defenestrated. The elites? Ventilated. The adventurers?"

Pegs: "Killed each other."

Mushly: "To a man. There's literally nobody left to oppose us. Nobody at all. Pegs, we've won!"

Pegs: "So we can finally go back to ruling Ordor from the shadows with the king as our puppet?"

Mushly: "You'd best believe it. In fact, I dare say this new king is even an improvement on the old one."

Pegs: "Less wheezing."

Mushly: "Well, this calls for a celebration. Some wine?"

Pegs: "An excellent idea."

Mushly: "Servants, some wine!"

Pegs: "Funny thing..."

Mushly: "Servants!"

Pegs: "Can't help but feel there's something we overlooked."

Mushly: "I swear, if there's not a glass in my hand within the next five seconds I'll have you all flogged!"

Pegs: "Something..."

Mushly: "Four!"

Pegs: "Important."

Mushly: "Three!"

(Curtains fall, a waltz begins to play.)

[End]