I've decided to write a diary, so that my children will have some way of sharing in my life, even though I cannot share these days with them.

4.2.36

My life is in a time of change; the dream that was Meiritin has fled, and now I find myself back at Bendir, which is as empty as I've ever seen it. There are some familiar faces around, but very few... and more worryingly, so few unfamiliar faces. It does not feel alive. Still, I think I know how to find my place here again. I have met a couple called Kikko and Aldur who have been struggling to set up a shrine to Yondalla. I have bought the home next door to where I used to live, and will open it up for use as Yondalla's shrine.

-o-

Things are taking shape here. Ritz - who now, de facto, leads Bendir, has met with Kikko and Aldur and appointed them as his officers. I am to advise him. He is older than he was and more responsible, but much of the old Ritz is still there. Familiar surroundings, familiar people... quite comforting.

-o-

Aldur and Kikko were attacked by a hin called Madeline, apparently in the company of goblins and kobolds, though the account was quite confused. What would drive a hin to ally with monsters against her own kin? I will find out. If she can be brought around, her friendship could be very valuable. I'm finding myself a bit sidelined here, while the warriors try and run things themselves. I think I would do a better job for Bendir... but I will need allies first.

-o-

Met with Madeline today. She was not at all what I expected... opinionated and principled, not pragmatic or seeking redemption. She also let slip that she prefers women, which surprised me. By helping her I should be able to win her trust... and perhaps her loyalty may be swayed the same way as a man.

-o-

Have persuaded Ritz and Aldur to drop things with Madeline, so long as she stays out of Bendir and out of their way. Yondalla's creed is a powerful one, and makes our path clear in this. I have always appreciated how turning to Yondalla's wisdom helps solve any problem.

-o-

Madeline was arrested by Cordor today... in her home in the Crow's Nest, a day after she told me of it. I hope she doesn't think I gave her away. Aldur thinks it happened because he told Veneoso that she was wanted by him and Bendir before I persuaded him to drop the matter.

-o-

Visited Madeline in jail. She seems to trust me already, and I am sure that if I can get her out she will trust me completely. Aldur has promised to introduce me to Veneoso to plead her case.

-o-

Veneoso agreed to let Madeline go, if I signed a contract making my life forfeit should she kill again. He wasn't at all happy to let her go, apparently she's been caught before and released only to kill. The contract gives him a little more confidence, bt only a little. I could have kissed him for suggesting it... it binds Madeline to me more than anything I'd thought of, and I'm confident I can keep her from breaking its terms. Even if she does, well, I think I can get out of trouble. Light Keep don't remember me, it seems, so I could go to them and explain that I was trying to redeem her, and would they help me.

-o-

Aldur is growing tired of Ritz's lack of attention to the fort, and feeling a bit overwhelmed. I have been helpful and supportive, and told him of the old councils and mayors. He is not stupid and will get there eventually.

-o-

Madeline continues to surprise me... what's most surprising is how much I enjoy the time I spend with her. She's wrapped up with Samras which is helpful... it means I'm the friend who's always there, and she's getting used to accepting my advice.

-o-

Aldur said today that he'll call a meeting of all hin on the island to discuss the leadership of Bendir. Good. I think I know what sort of structure to lay down that will allow me to guide the community as it needs to be guided... Yondalla has accepted me as a priestess, and I look forward to building Bendir up as it once was.

-o-

The Amnish are looking for me... they questioned Aldur in Cordor, and I think he let something slip. He didn't admit it to me but I saw it in his eyes. I should avoid Cordor, and start thinking about how to divert their attention elsewhere.

-o-

A package arrived from my children... some of their pictures and a doll of me! When I opened it the relief I felt was enormous... I hadn't really realised how much I feared that they'd forget about me. Knowing that they are thinking of me is worth so much... even worth the risk of the Amnish getting closer to finding me.

-o-

Bendir is drifting again. I've barely seen the others for many days now; I have seen this pattern before. Now I spend much of my time with Madeline. Today we found an odd silver weight in mysterious circumstances... it's tied in some way to the Arcane Tower. We'll take it there when the wizards have prepared for possible danger.

-o-

We met the first Warden of the Arcane Tower's Asylum today. She was very powerful and very grumpy at having been imprisoned for so long. She offered to let Madeline and I go, for helping her get free... but Madeline wanted to stay and help the wizards against her. I think I made a mistake, but I was afraid for our lives... Madeline was deeply unimpressed by my advice to flee. She wasn't quite ready for that... I rushed things and that may make things harder now.

-o-

Aldur's meeting never happened, and I think Bendir no longer exists as a community... just the traders and the soldiers. Alone, I'm not in any position to change that... I need allies. All those I've spoken to don't really seem the right type. Except Madeline, but I'm not sure I'll be able to sway her.

-o-

Samras and Madeline are drifitng apart. Not really surprising, they're very different people. But this might give me my last chance with Madeline, though I really don't know how to handle it. It can't be public... Ritz is still about occasionally, and it would create problems with him. I don't even really know how to react.

-o-

Sure enough, Madeline is feeling me out. I'm being supportive but not responding at all... whether she thinks I'm not getting her meaning or am ignoring her I don't know. She'll try harder though, she's a passionate person, and she won't let aloofness put her off for long. But it will show me how serious she is... and how much leverage I'll have.

-o-

I'm not really sure what to say. Despite everything, Madeline chose Samras. I don't know why... but I confessed to her when she told me that. It was a foolish thing to do, but I've lost... I'm a hunted outlaw from Amnish 'justice' and the house of cards I was building to protect me has collapsed around me. She didn't kill me when I told her, though; she has such a kind heart.

-o-

I met Madeline again today. Despite my confession to her she says she still loves me and wants me, because the face I've shown her, the kindness and consideration, are a part of me and cannot completely be faked. I didn't really know what to say.

But since everything else has fallen apart, I went to her. I don't know what I feel for her, or if this will last... but I'd rather be loved than be alone. She is a wonderful person, such kindness, courage and strength... there is plenty to admire in her, but will I grow to love her? I don't know. I don't know if I could love her as she loves me.

I guess we'll find out.

-o-

I've made one decision, at least... now that Meiritin is closed to me forever, I can rid myself of the Betrayer. My children might wish his power, but since it wasn't sufficient to ensure my success, I think their lives will be made easier by its destruction. I've not been able to find a mage who knows how to use a truename yet, though.

-o-

Success! One of Archmage Sway Sand's pupils is still in Light Keep, one Sonea. She had some of Sway's old notes on the subject, which I've borrowed... and Biad has translated them for me. I have the words of the ritual now, and know what I need now... silver dust for the pentagram and some other mages to help me contain the Betrayer.

-o-

I'm free! But that was far too close. Bel'zan'der managed to snare me in the Abyss before we could do the ritual! Madeline and Biad got help from the Arcane Tower and managed to defeat him, while a party of Elves from Myon were travelling the Abyss and rescued me; their leader was King Trintiren himself, and Madeline and I made him a statue in thanks. It feels strange to no longer have the demon's taint, though its blood still retains enough power for me to cast some spells, and I no longer need to sacrifice it.

-o-

Living with Madeline now as I try to find my bearings in this new life. It troubles me, though, to be so far from my children. Having set aside the tainted power of my heritage, and with it my ambitions, I grow more and more troubled that my life is still not as Yondalla would wish. I need to be with my children, to care for them... I want it, and I think the Mother wants it too.

-o-

I've decided: I'm going to Jerum and Lilanca. I've booked passage on a free trader out of the Crow's Nest, and told nobody of my plans, not even Madeline... she would come with me, and while her company would be welcome on such a journey, I'm still not sure about how I feel about her, nor how Yondalla views our partnership. I will trust to Yondalla for guidance and protection, and hopefully return here with them soon.